I have struggled with something that a lot of people my age, a lot of people younger than me, and a lot of people older than me (so almost every person ever) have dealt with- self esteem, confidence, worth. Last night (or early this morning, I should confess) I went on a rant as to why I should not be in a relationship with someone. My sleep deprived mind and overly emotional state came up with something that gave me peace and assurance:
“The battle is not finding someone to love me. The battle is believing that someone is able to love me. The challenge is believing that I can actually be someone’s person and believing that what I have to offer is what the other person needs to live.”
I went on to say that there is someone more for anyone who tries to be with me.
“Someone more adventurous. Someone more loving. Someone more patient, kind, generous, radical, social. Someone funnier and more gentle. For every guy I have met, there is someone more for them than me and I don’t want to (can’t) hold them back from that.”
I felt content and reassured in the fact that right now is my time to be alone. I felt peaceful. I felt calm. I felt that I had determined something huge in my life. I had conquered it and nestled in it until I fell asleep.
This morning I felt different, por supuesto.
With a clear mind and less emotions, I can say that I was right in saying that I am not supposed to be with anyone right now, just not for the reasons I stated above.
Because, you see, I cannot go into a relationship built like marriage expecting something that big from someone- giving them the task of showing me why I should love myself and making me believe it. I will be unsuccessful if I expect this.
And this led me to the realization that the reason I want this from someone is so that I can add more worth to my person. So that I can feel worthy of someone’s time. I want them to make me feel like I am that “more” for them so that I can feel worthy of being with them.
But truthfully, the relationships I have, the number of countries I see, the clothes that I wear, the things that I do have very little- if nothing- to do with my worth. They are not my worth. They do not take away or add to my worth.
Ephesians.
Ephesians 2. All of it. But more specifically verse 1.
“You were dead in your transgressions and sins.”
We were dead. What worth is there of a dead man? He cannot work, provide, or contribute anything. His life as a human has come to an end and no relationship or materialistic thing is going to resuscitate him. This dead man is like you and me.
Right now, we are dead in our sins. We are worthless.
A flat screen TV, Coach purse, or a new car is not going to make us any more alive than it does a physically dead man.
But unlike this laying dead man, there is a hope for the walking dead.
Ephesians 2:4
“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved.”
And, like Jesus, we are no longer in our grave.
God raises us up with Christ.
That is the only way we will be raised out of death into life. This is the only way.
A relationship, more things, a bigger home, a better education, a nicer car, popularity..those will not bring you out of your death.
But we look to these things. We look to these things to raise us up. We look towards things that will never save us.
We are looking at things that give us a false worth- that creates some sort of modern hierarchy in our lives. That is why the girl without a coach purse or the guy without a big truck feel bad about themselves. Or the woman who doesn’t have a job or the man whose job doesn’t pay him as well as others.
They are [I am] measuring their [my] worth based on these earthly things- when we must realize that in the big scheme of life, these things are truly worthless.
Not even the things we do add worth to us.
You are still dead. We are still dead with our nice cars and piles of stuff and good deeds and nice words and kind hearts.
It is Christ. Christ takes away all of the things on this earth and shows us that our worth is in him. He finished it. We are made alive by believing in him- not by our Christian “check list,” daily rituals, giving homeless people money or even sharing the gospel with others. We are not saved through that.
[Side note:
Sharing the gospel and every work thing related to Jesus does come and it is important. But it comes after this believing.
v. 10 “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do.”]
Put down your money. It is worthless here. Put down your brand names, nice cars, big houses, popularity. They are worthless here. Put down your belief that somehow these worthless things make you more worthy because the truth is, we are all unworthy. We are all sinful. Dead.
It is only through Christ that we are brought out of our grave and made alive- into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
And this new creation is sacred, holy, worthy.
1 Corinthians 3:16
“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s spirit lives in you?”
That is how we are alive. That is how we are worthy of being called God’s temple. Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit. Because of God’s love, mercy, grace.
Our natural, broken, sinful state makes us search for things that add worth to our worthlessness. Where will you search for that worth? And to that answer, will you find true worth in that when all is said and done? What does this thing that you are finding worth in telling you? And what, when this world is over, do you obtain from this thing that is defining you?
I will search for that worth in Jesus Christ. I will find true worth in him. Jesus is telling me that I am loved. He is showing me my dead state. But by revealing it to me, he is saving me from it. He is giving me life. Eternal life. And when this present world is over, I will be just fine. Because my worth in Jesus will put me at his feet, worshipping him in my true home.
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